Faith Journey
I’ve been a believer my whole life, but haven’t always known God. I attended a Christian school and loved church. I could tell Bible stories, recite key verses, and be a good Christian. But I didn’t know God’s love.
I feared God. Actually I feared hell, so I worked hard to earn a ticket to heaven. Following rules wasn’t very rewarding and life in the fast lane looked like fun, so in high school and college I fell into a downward spiral. I turned away from God and looked for love in sexual relationships.
I felt “less than” everyone around me in academic ability, social IQ, and economic status. With this negative self-image and my guilt over what I knew was inappropriate behavior, I found solace in an altered state of mind, drinking excessively and smoking pot. I felt utterly alone and experienced my first deep depression. In hindsight I can see how God protected me through the dark valley and brought me back to a level place.
I didn’t know the height and depth of God’s love that surpasses knowledge. Ephesians 3:18-19
I rediscovered church a decade later when my mother was diagnosed with cancer shortly after my wedding. I needed the comfort of a church community like the one I grew up in. I needed answers about why good people suffer. I pleaded with God to heal her.
Tears streamed down my cheeks every time I closed my eyes to pray.
I promised God I’d be a better Christian.
I worked very hard, but how much was enough to please God and make up for those shameful years? I asked Him “Am I in yet? Have I done enough?” But I could never be sure.
My mother, who never talked about her faith but modeled it daily, encouraged me to join a Bible study. I loved studying and enjoyed piecing the familiar Sunday school stories together into a larger narrative. Connecting those children’s stories together revealed a deeper message – the love I’d been seeking.
The daily reading and prayer became personal as I sought the heart of God.
The daily reading and prayer became personal as I sought the heart of God.
God saved me by grace and I can’t take any credit. Salvation is a gift, not a reward for anything I’ve done. Ephesians 2:8-9
I began looking beyond the information in His words in order to hear the message. I saw His faithfulness to fulfill His promises and His willingness to use a person like me who had rejected Him in favor of the world’s ways.
Still, I didn’t completely believe that God could love me and forget my sketchy past. Slowly... Gradually... I began trusting that I didn’t need to earn His love. When I finally accepted His forgiveness, I felt just as free as the Bible describes – transformed, a new creation. The self-induced weight of guilt and shame lifted away and I began to think differently about myself. I realized I didn’t need to carry the burden of depression alone and couldn’t drown it with wine. I sought help and God pulled me out of the pit.
The only response is to follow Him. I am His. Deeply grateful.
I’m increasingly filled with joy and purpose as I learn to hear His voice and follow His plan for my life. This joy has helped me stay sober for 25 years. He has stretched me beyond my safe, comfortable religion into a fulfilling life with purpose. His purpose.
My childhood desire to teach blossomed as I led Bible studies but not without causing sweaty palms and a thumping heart as I learned to pray out loud. My continued studies piqued my interest in the Bible’s Jewish roots, the ancient culture and the original languages. God summoned my love for writing to share insights I discovered in Scripture, first safely to a friend group, then exposed publicly in a blog – open to criticism. And when my youngest child left for college, I overcame my insecurities about being evaluated by a professor and entered seminary.
Each step required me to swallow my fear and trust God.
I have a passion for others to discover the heart of Jesus and experience the truly meaningful life He offers. God reveals Himself to us through Scripture and through the life of Jesus. His Words have a relevant message for each of us.
I recently completed my Masters in Theological Studies at Gordon-Conwell Theological Seminary. My deepest desire is to be used by Him to help others discover His love for them no matter what detours their life has taken. There is fullness and joy in a life with God. We are our best selves when we follow Him.
My deepest desire is to be used by Him to help others discover this joyful, fulfilling life.
Topics to Dig Into
Each post is a brief scriptural thought that will grow as you let it take root in your thoughts.
Or stay longer, dig into one area of interest and plant a whole garden.
What's New?
Take a look at the most recent blog posts
in the Seeds of Scripture blog.
Who is He?
What is God like? Who is this man Jesus?
How can we understand the Holy Spirit?
He Knows You
God's love is unconditional. He knows our hearts and continually invites us into relationship.
The Visible God
God is present and active in our lives, often working through people and 'coincidences'. Thank and praise Him!
Making it Practical
Following Jesus in today's world can be challenging. But living according to Jesus' teaching is incredibly worthwhile.
Ah-Ha!
Learning about the culture and language of Bible times can reveal new meaning in familiar scriptures. Let's call them ah-ha moments.